The Countless Ways To Annoy Yu Kanda
by KogasMySexyBeast
Summary: A lovely list of horrible things you can do to antagonize, torture, or otherwise infuriate Yu Kanda for your own enjoyment! Warning: I am not responsible for any deaths that may occur. Christmas Special! 204 to 250 is now up! Message me your ideas!
1. 1 Through 55

**This was something I came up with on the fly; I was high on caffeine and wanted to make my favorite D. Gray-Man character miserable! ^.^ I'm planning on writing a fanfic based on this list. (Can you imagine?) **

**I do not own Kikyo, Sephiroth, D Gray-Man, any of the other characters, or Kanda. (Sadly...) Without Farther ado...**

**A/N: Warning: any intention to posses, discuss, or act out this list may result in an immediate Mugen related death.**

1. Cover Mugen with Hello Kitty stickers.

2. Cut off his hair…

3. -Use it to make a wig…

4. -Then promptly try to sell it back to him.

5. Dye/bleach his hair an obnoxious color.

6. Call him Yu.

7. Use feminine terms when talking to him or around him.

8. Refer to him as your "Kanda Bear".

9. Add "Chan" or "Kins" To the end of his name.

10. Ask if he has any Yu-Gi-Oh cards, with emphasis on the "Yu".

11. Alter his clothes as you see fit.

12. Steal all his underwear and hide them around Headquarters.

13. Attempt to sell him Allen's underwear.

14. Make lightsaber noises when he uses Mugen.

15. Sing him any of the following songs:

a. "I Want 'Yu' to Want Me"

b. "Bringing Sexy Back"

c. "Too Sexy For My Shirt"

d. "Barbie Girl"

e. "Dude Looks Like A Lady" (For added annoyance, sing them when he enters a room)

16. Refer to him as the "Japanese Michael Jackson".

17. Replace all his food with bean sprouts…

18. –Then make suggestive comments.

19. Sharpie Allan's marking on his eye with a red Sharpie.

20. Call him the "Akumanator".

21. Ask him if girls indeed just want to have fun.

22. Attempt to dress him as Kikyo…

23. –Then refer to him as "My Little Priestess".

24. Tell him he'd look better in a skirt.

25. Offer him beauty tips.

26. Send Allen love notes in his name.

27. Send him love notes from Allen.

28. Suggest he take up counseling to "get in touch" with his emotions.

29. Compare him to Allen.

30. Compare him to General Tiedoll.

31. Draw suggestive pictures of him and Allen.

32. Sing "Allen and Kanda sitting in a tree…" every time they begin to fight.

33. Compliment Mugen than ask if he's compensating for his "shortcomings".

34. Giggle uncontrollably whenever he speaks.

35. Poke him every time he says "Che".

36. Suggest he should go to his "Happy Place".

37. Question his sexuality.

38. Recite bad love poetry to him.

39. Steal his Soba noodles.

40. Give him an emo haircut…

41. –Then tell him he's "Emotastic".

42. Whenever he's around, say "The Angst is strong with this one" complete with heavy breathing.

43. Dye his hair silver…

44. -Ask Johnny to make some Sephiroth related alterations to his uniform…

45. -Than ask him if he'll "give you despair".

46. Refer to him as "My Bitch" and attempt to sell his services to General Cross.

47. Suggest to Komui that he has "intentions" with Lenalee.

48. Add "in bed", "that's what he/she said", or "in his pants" after everything he says.

49. Ask him if he's "Down With the Clown".

50. Bedazzle his uniform.

51. Suggest he should use eyeliner to bring out the color of his eyes.

52. Braid his hair.

53. Let the raving fangirls raid his closet.

54. Decorate his room in pinks and purples to "liven up the place".

55. Question him repeatedly about his "relationship" with Lavi.

**A/N: More coming soon! Sorry for the weird number... I at least tried to keep it in increments of five... Please review and send me any suggestions if you want! (I will give credit)**

**Please comment if you think I should turn this into a fanfic! I would so enjoy tormenting Kanda in writing! ^^ ****Now if you will excuse me, I need to run for my life. Later!**


	2. 56 Through 100

**A/N: I have more! :) Some of these I got off of "248 Ways to Annoy People".**

**I have in fact started a fanfic based off this list and I plan to have it up before Christmas. Enjoy the list! :3**

56. Lick him and than announce "The snozberries taste like snozberries".

57. Organize a "Group Hug" with him in the middle.

58. Interrupt him whenever he speaks.

59. Insist completely ridiculous things are true.

60. Call him "Little Miss Sunshine".

61. Refer to him as your "Brother From Another Mother".

62. Refer to him as your "Sister From Another Mister".

63. Take pictures of him while he's in the shower…

64. –Than post them all over Headquarters. (Keep the best one for yourself)

65. Drum your hands on every available surface…

66. –And on his head when there are no available surfaces.

67. Stare at him for about five minutes, making sure he knows you're staring at him. Then, slowly sneak up to him while humming the Mission: Impossible theme. Sniff his head, and then run away. Repeat.

68. Paint Mugen bright pink and claim it's the latest fashion.

69. Apply "makeup" while he's sleeping…

70. –Then inform him its permanent marker.

71. Make sound effects for his movements.

72. Follow him around everywhere, spraying everything he touches with a can of Lysol.

73. Speak in Morse Code.

74. Speak in L33T.

75. Add an excessive amount of sugar to his tea.

76. Sing him children's songs loud and off-key ("I'm A Little Teapot" Works well when he's eating).

77. Began every sentence with "By the Gods!".

78. Skip whenever you are with him.

79. Say "okay, so you are gay," to anything he says.

80. Repeat everything he says as a question.

81. Pretend you are invisible and follow him everywhere.

82. Refer to him as the "Conquistador."

83. Ask him "Are you annoyed by irrelevant questions?" And then walk away very quickly.

84. Wake him up every hour to give him "Updates" on Headquarters in a loud announcer voice. (E.X. Komui built another robot and it's destroying everything; Lavi got locked out of his room; I just took a shower, have yet to dress…)

85. Paint his fingernails a bright obnoxious color. Pink works best.

86. Walk up to him and ask as seriously as you can "Do you know the muffin man?".

87. Write annoying Limericks about him… (E.X. There once was an exorcist I shall not name, And everything you said went against his grain, I'd bother him every night, Just to see if he'd bite, But in my opinion I found Kanda quite tame.) **A/N: I did in fact write this Limerick :) Proves I have too much time on my hands...**

88. -Then recite them to the cafeteria (preferably while he's there).

89. Lead a few of the braver members of the Black Order in a sing-along and proceed to sing him "Dance Magic Dance" from the Labyrinth.

90. Superglue Mugen to the inside of its halt.

91. Ruffle his hair and tell him what a "good boy" he is.

92. Put him in a dress while he's sleeping…

93. –Than take incriminating pictures to use later.

94. Two words. "Pink Tutu"…

95. –Another two words. "Super Glue."

96. Narrate his life like a book. (E.X. Yu Kanda strolled over to the table in a huff, his soba in hand. One would think he'd get tired of the same thing day after day…)

97. Make up fake missions for him to do.

98. Relocate his room and all his possessions.

99. Repeat everything he says.

100. Dress up like him and do horrible things around Headquarters.

**A/N: That's all for now! More coming soon! If you want to send me some to add to the list, feel free! :)**


	3. 101 Through 152

**A/N: Yep, I have more. :3 Random number cut off... but oh well! I hope you all enjoy!**

**I do not own D. Grey-Man or any other thing that's copyrighted in here.**

101. Jump on his back…

102. -Grab him by his ponytail and yell "Giddy up horsey!" (Or Hi ho Silver, Away!")…

103. –Make jokes about riding him bareback…

104. –Use horse terms when talking about him. (E.X. "stallion" or "mare")

105. Tackle him then run.

106. Cling to him so he has to drag you around.

107. Follow him around playing "Caramelldansen" insisting he does the dance.

108. Yodel. (That's sure to irritate him.)

109. Challenge him to a duel…

110. –Then whip out your Yu-Gi-Oh cards…

111. -Make suggestive comments about the "Heart of the Cards" and his lack of one.

112. Sing "We're Off to See the Wizard" whenever he's called to Komui's office. Link arms and skip with him if possible.

113. Drool on him.

114. Make jokes about his fetish for bondage. (Or any other made up fetish)

115. Introduce him to Fanfiction. (Run everyone! Run!)

116. Explain the term "Yullen" to him…

117. –In the cafeteria…

118. –With a blow horn. **A/N: Priceless.**

119. Torture him with internet references.

120. Use insanely bad pickup lines on him…

121. -And when they don't work, get Lavi to do them…

122. -Then use the explanation of "I thought he was more your type".

123. Rickroll his alarm clock.

124. Introduce him to "The Game". **A/N: I Which I just lost. Yes I am evil. **

125. Attempt to diagnose his "emotional problem" by poking him with a popsicle stick…

126. –When he asks what you are doing, give him a creepy smile and say "playing Doctor."

127. Put his hair up in pigtails…

128. –Glue them in place…

129. –Then make jokes about "Handlebars".

130. Serenade him at mealtimes.

131. Snicker whenever he takes a bite of his soba, sending over emphasized glances at his food.

132. Talk to him in baby talk.

133. Suggest he should join the circus to understand what true suffering is…

134. –And tell him Allen would be glad to give him pointers on being a clown.

135. Decorate his room with mistletoe to bring some "Christmas Cheer".

136. Smell his shoulder and inform him in a creepy whisper "you smell fresh today"…

137. –Smile and then add "I like fresh".

138. Spray him with flowery perfume.

139. Put colored dye in his soap or shampoo.

140. Steal all his clothes while he's in the shower…

141. –And his towel if you can grab it. (Bonus points if you grab it in a crowded hall.)

142. Shoot rubber bands at him.

143. Place a radio in his room tuned to static.

144. Fill his sheets with shaving cream.

145. Hide under his bed and make strange noises.

146. Begin gluing his possessions to the wall. Deny that it was you.

147. Address him as "The Master" and constantly bow when speaking to him.

148. Cling to him repeating the phrase "My Precious" over and over.

149. Wake him at one in the morning with a loud "Rise and shine!"

150. Point enthusiastically at him while whispering nonsense to anyone next to you…

151. -Nod in agreement when they look confused.

152. Point, scream, and then run away every time he enters the room.

**A/N: That's all for now! I'm sure my slightly insane mind will come up with more before the end of next week! If you have any ideas for the list, send them to me and I'll add them. Don't forget to review!**


	4. 153 Through 203

**A/N: I have finally updated! Some of your suggestions are in here, and if you have any more, please send the to me! Enjoy!**

153. Force him to sit through Téa Gardner's friendship speeches…

154.–All of them. (Submitted by Black Alice Butterfly) **A/N: ****Téa Gardner is**** from Yu-Gi-Oh! just so you all know.**

155. Introduce him to Barney. (Submitted by Black Alice Butterfly)

156. Replace his lotus with a replica made out of dyed carrots…

157. –Then proceed to cut off the petals saying "it needed a trim". (154-155 Submitted by xWeaselxWolfx) **A/N: I liked that sushi chef idea. :3**

158. Follow him around singing the Badger Song. (submitted by tawnyeyes10)

159. Recite raunchy romance novels aloud…

160. –Replacing the girl with "Kanda" and the boy with "Allen". (Highly recommended in crowded rooms)

161. Pour some of the science department's experimental potions in his tea.

162. Get Timcampy to record him in the shower. **A/N: Video footage is so much better than photos! "A picture says a thousand words, but videos will leave you speechless." :3**

163. Add lace to all his clothes.

164. Glue ribbons in his hair.

165. Tie him to a chair in front of a television with one of the following on a loop:

a. Teletubbies

b. Bob the Builder

c. Elmo's World

d. Dora the Explorer

e. Boohbah

166. Ask him if he knows how to get to Sesame Street.

167. Refer to him as a "flower child". Refuse to explain why.

168. Have him wake up with you in his bed…

169. –Then roll over and tell him "last night was great". (Run very fast)

170. Ask him "What would you do for a Klondike Bar?"…

171. –Smile encouragingly.

172. Shut off the power supply to his room.

173. Constantly point out he's in a bad mood…

174. –Suggest cuddling as a solution.

175. Smack him and then ask "Was that an illusion?"

176. Steal Mugen and use it as one of the following…

177. –A walking stick… **A/N: Be sure to act like House on top of it.**

178. –Back scratcher…

179. -Hockey stick… **A/N: Timcampy can be the puck if none are found.**

180. –Giant shish kabob, and then afterward…

181. –As a giant toothpick…

182. –Then once you're done, place it in his room and look as innocent as possible.

183. Suggest he should become a Chippendale's Dancer. **A/N: I wish…**

184. Give him a weave while he's sleeping…

185. -Then explain it'll block the Akuma bullets from hitting his head. **A/N: Bulletproof Weave! XD**

186. Attempt to eat his hair. Insist that it's very nutritious. **A/N: Omnomnom…**

187. Paint rainbows and butterflies on his walls.

188. Fill his room to the brim with My Little Ponies.

189. Jab him with a spork.

190. Challenge him to a pillow fight…

191. –Then fill your pillow case with bricks explaining it's to even the odds.

192. Spike his tea with sleeping pills… (Make sure they're strong)

193. –Then place him in suggestive positions in a random place in Headquarters. Take lots of pictures…

194. –When he wakes up, question him repeatedly about the night before, leaving the pictures around in obvious places for him to find.

195. Attempt to propose to him. (Yes, it works if you're a guy… you just have to run faster…)

196. Duct tape him to the wall. (With Lavi's help)

197. Sew all the legs of all his pants shut. Get Tim to record the fun.

198. Acquire an obnoxious accent and follow him around, speaking nonsense in it…

199. –When he gets angry, pretend you don't understand anything he says…

200. –Then get Allen or Lavi to translate, insisting in your normal voice that "he's just too simple minded to understand such intelligent things." Leave very quickly so he can fume.

201. Beat him over the head with a bible saying "The power of Christ compels you!"

202. Whenever he's in the cafeteria eating, sit next to him, point to the Finders then him, repeating the phrase "Finders, Keepers". Laugh hysterically.

203. Send this list to Allen and Lavi. (Suggested by Ischke Daerquing) **A/N: Hehehehe...**

**A/N: That's all for now! Please review and tell me what you think! Don't forget to submit any ideas you have, and as you can see, I will give you credit for supplying added methods of tormenting Kanda! **

**As an added note, please stop by my profile and read my other D. Gray-Man fanfic Angel of the Sky! Til next time! Later!**


	5. Christmas Special 204 thru 250

**A/N: As requested, I have the Holiday Special! Now, if anyone has any other holiday ideas, (Mine were mostly Christmas, as that's what my family celebrates) Send them in and I will update this chapter! I hope you all enjoy!**

**I've added more to the list! (239 - 250) Send some if you have them!**

204. Take pictures of Allen and stick them all over his room…

205. –Then give him tips on how to accept his "feelings" for Allen. (204 – 205 Submitted by bluewings42)

206. Hang mistletoe above him where he won't notice and when Allen or Lavi walks by, invite them to kiss him.

207. Tie his hair to the posts of his bed. Blame someone else.

208. Tell him repeatedly he's on the naughty list… (206 – 208 submitted by Ischke Daerquing)

209. –Then suggest ways to either get off it or stay on. Wink constantly. **A/N: I just had to add that. :3**

210. Wrap him in ribbons and deliver him to a member of Headquarters. Be sure to duct tape his mouth shut. (Submitted by xWeaselxWolfx) **A/N: I suggest ****Leverrier****! :D**

211. Dress him as a geisha and try to sell him as a sex slave. (Submitted by tawneyeyes10) **A/N: She suggests Allen or Komui. :3 I say Cross, for he might fall for it.**

212. Walk up to him and rub your head on his arm saying, "You're pretty". ((Or "pwetty", like Tweety Bird)) (Submitted by plasticfries)

213. Lock him out of his room.

214. Chew on him. **A/N: Rather awkward and painful.**

215. Force him to dress like Santa…

216. –Then proceed to tell him what you want for Christmas. Use your imagination and be graphic.

217. Take him caroling through the Black Order…

218. –And change all the songs so they're about him. (E.X. Jingle Bells, Kanda smells, because he never bathes. He looks like a chick and acts like a dick, and probably will never get laid!) **A/N: The only mean thing about that song is it's true… :3**

219. Paint his nose red and attach antlers to his head…

220. –Officially rename him "Rudolph"…

221. -Than tell him he can't join in the Reindeer Games.

222. Sing him the Grinch song, replacing "Mr. Grinch" with "Kanda Yu". **A/N: I checked, it really does fit!**

223. Knit him a (ugly) Christmas sweater…

224. -Than force him to wear it.

225. Give him an "inappropriate" gift for Christmas. (Use your imagination) **A/N: Oh the possibilities…**

226. Tie him to a chair…

227. –Than decorate him like he was a Christmas tree.

228. Tell him you'll bring him tidings of "comfort and joy." Smile creepily.

229. Compose an outfit made entirely of Christmas decorations. Place the mistletoe in an inappropriate spot…

230. –Permanently attach it to his body while sleeping…

231. –Then constantly point out the mistletoe to anyone who passes.

232. Give him the gifts from the "Twelve Days of Christmas" song. Sing it every day.

233. Steal a life-size nativity scene and display it in his room…

234. -When he asks about it, tell him "I had to let them stay here, there's no room at the inn."

235. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying, "Every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings."

236. Yell "Bah Humbug!" at the end of every sentence he says.

237. Sprinkle glitter and confetti on his head saying "Christmas cheer!" in a joyful voice.

238. Visit him as the three ghosts of Christmas. Be dramatic. **A/N: I'd be even better if you could get Lavi and Allen to help you. :3**

239. See how many Christmas trees you can fit into his room.

240. Suck on a Candy Kane until the tip is sharp. Jab him repeatedly with it.

241. Trick or Treat at his room repeatedly… (Submitted by xWeaselxWolfx)

242. -Demand something every time you get there.

243. Cosplay as an Akuma or Noah and get him to chase you around.

244. When he knocks on your door on Halloween, throw candy at him and slam the door shut.

245. For Chinese New Year, wake him up with firecrackers… (243 – 245 Submitted by xWeaselxWolfx)

246. –Under his bed.

247. Tie him to the paper dragon. (Submitted by xWeaselxWolfx)

248. For New Years, kiss him deeply on midnight…** A/N: You may have to pry open his mouth.**

249. –Say it was from Allen or Lavi. Walk away very quickly. Or run. (Submitted by Satsuriku-sama)

250. Dress him like Cupid. Wings and everything.

**A/N: That's all for now! Like I said, if you have any holiday ones, send them in. Be sure to tell me what holiday they go to so I can add it in the description. If you liked this list, be sure to check out my D. Gray-Man fanfic Angel of the Sky. Happy Holidays to you all! (And Marry Christmas to those of you who celebrate it!) Later!**


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